Memoirs Of A Nobskid (Special Request)

This is back for one time only because of a friend.

Here’s my story even though I know it will be almost impossible for you to believe me. I missed you all.

Noble was gone? I guess I didn’t miss much then.

I wonder what he was up to during his hiatus. Maybe he went to find himself or something. He was getting extra emo last time I read the memoirs. 
That’s Noble at that TNC thing. He looks like a new man, doesn’t he? A bit drained but that’s probably the emo seeping out. Speaking of TNC, anybody care to fill me in on what that is? Noble was like the only famous person in those pictures. Is TNC like an avenue for regular people to take “famous people pictures”? If yes, can someone invite me. Your boy is trying to get a reality show.
Anyway, back to the memoirs. 

It’s been months since Zoba and I agreed to go into a NO-SEX-until-marriage relationship. The truth is, I agreed to a no-sex relationship because I figured it would help me prepare for marriage.

Shit. He’s still emo. WHY LAWD?

I know some of you may not understand this but the truth is, there are very few men that actually ask their wives for a blow job. I’ve not been married before but I’ve gotten more blow jobs from chics on my borry (not booty or buddy …borry) call-list than the people I have dated. 

So you’ve decide to save it til marriage? I don’t get Noble’s logic here. Mo wa confooz

On a more serious note, I’ll like to know if you agree or disagree with me. I think some men does not want to see the mother of their children going up and down on their member. I really wanted to include Blow job on the list but “unwife-like” images kept flooding my mind. 

What have they done with our Noble?

Just because I didn’t want to spoil a good thing or come off as someone who can not do without sex, I told her that I would be okay with just being there for her and would be eager to satisfy her when necessary .

Oh. Noble has a vagina now. Makes sense.

It’s been months and I can tell you that I am doing just fine. 

NO, YOU’RE NOT DOING FINE, NOBLE. YOU’RE DOING HORRIBLE. THINK ABOUT THE KIDS, NOBLE!!!

I was still in bed when the text message came in

“Mr Noble, the HiTV camera will be coming to your house today to record a day in the life of Noble Igwe for the Breakfast show as agreed.”

Why does Noble get a reality show before me? What do they want to know? How Noble maintains his head to body ratio?

#NeverForget

The clip will be shown on HiTV’s the Breakfast show by 9am on Tuesday, November 1, 2011.

Can someone watch this and tell me how it goes? I’m actually interested to some degree.

Got home and there was no light, so I decided to step out for Ice cream. I tweeted “I feel like Ice Cream factory”, few minutes later, a text message came in. 

Arewa: Pick me up so we can go together.

I quickly had a shower and changed my boxers. I didn’t change my boxers because I was expecting something to happen but I didn’t want to be caught unawares. Our people say ‘Mgberede nyiri dike,mana obu mgberede ka eji ama dike’.

Any Igbo person care to translate that last bit?

She rushed to the car in a few minutes dressed in a see-thru tight t-shirt; I could see her entire boobs well packed in a red bra. She was packing the sort of boobs that would make any newly born kid reject his or her mother’s breast milk and demand for hers.

Vintage Noble. Vintage M&B Noble.

Arewa: hey Nobs, this rain is serious ooo, don’t you want to come in? 

I can swear that I heard CUM in.

 This could get interesting.

I’ve not had sex in a while and Arewa’s nri nwa was looking better than the entire Ice cream flavours at ice cream factory. I got out of the car and followed her in…

Oooooohhhh. Can’t wait for next week. Maybe old Noble is coming back after all. Just maybe.

Memoirs of a Nobskid X

Memoirs are up. I forgot to check. The usuals.

Many of you here do not know the importance of our Lord’s prayer but believe me it works wonders. I did not know what to expect from Biola considering what happened between us the last time she came to my house. I know some of you may be thinking, “Karma has finally caught up with him” but believe me, I know Karma and I’ve seen her a lot at De Marquee. She goes around with different men and still comes around.

Does she have man? Does Karma have a BB pin? Will she hook up with a guy #withoutanL?

Biola: Yes, I know him just like every other girl.

Chidi: Oh really. And I was thinking that no one knows his music.

Damn. I’m even feeling sorry for Noble now.

I looked at Zoba who was just staring at me and then I took a quick look at Amala. For a second I noticed Amala’s Baseball cap. The way he positioned the baseball cap made him look like a plate of Amala with unequal piece of Pomo and soup on the same plate. I know I’m not fine but I don’t think parents should let kids see Amala at night before bedtime.

“plate of Amala with unequal piece of Pomo and soup on the same plate”

Nobs: Am I supposed to answer that too? I guess you can ask every other girl.

Chidi: Come on son, don’t take it personal. The lady was just asking a question. Besides I don’t see anything wrong with being friends with the ladies.

That was it. I thought about all the happenings of the day and how Iti had been rude to me all day. We had only just met but then for some reason he found it cute to talk to me anyhow.

Noble, why vex show na?

I looked at Zoba and she winked at me. The wink from Zoba did things to me and for a moment Biola’s boobs looked different. I mean, seated opposite me were different women with amazing boobs and for a minute, I realized that there are boobs and there are boobs. Both boobs are like bouncing castles in two different children’s parks. While Zoba’s are like the ones located in a private park with very little use, Biola’s looked like they needed some lifting.

No. Words.
None at all.

Nobs: Zoba, can I see you in private?

Zoba: Sure

Chidi: Noble please don’t be a party pooper

Nobs; I have a studio session and have to run.

Biola: Nobs, I’m really sorry about what I said and I know you know why I had to say that.

Nobs: I really don’t understand but I’ll just pretend that I do.

Biola: Nobs, don’t be like this

Nobs: I just want to talk to Zoba for a minute.

Ugh. Noble is becoming so emo. This is becoming so painful to read.

I watched her walk back to the restaurant and the song “Ele ukwu egbuo ewu” came to mind. I’m not really an ASS man even though I support Arsenal but Zoba has got Ukwu Nwanyi Owerri.

Igbo kids in the house, translation please?

Talking about Ass, I’ve realised that the bigger the ass, the bolder the stretch marks. A big ass with stretch marks is like a Range Rover with an Ugly spoiler.

Apologies to ESMU- Extra Large Stretch Marks Union

Damn son. Why so harsh?

8.00pm
I don’t know if you’ve been in that situation where you consider deleting someone’s number just because you don’t want to ring them? I considered deleting Zoba’s number so that I wouldn’t have to call her. I called….

Ok, I’m done. The rest of this shit is moist. I can’t do this anymore. My thug is too high for this.
If you want to read the rest, here you go

Memoirs of a Nobskid IX

So I was super hyped about this week’s installment then I checked my mail. Netflix just sent me the second season of Californication. So…yeah…my mind isn’t completely in this.

Before I begin, #NigerianPeopleTwitter got hip to planking yesterday. I’m just going to save everyone the stress and put out the press release for the federal government.

Back to the business of the day.

So there I was standing beside a TALLER man, who drives a RANGE ROVER and who was probably in love with the babe I was thinking of making the mother of my children.

Look on the bright side, Noble. You have a bigger head and probably more chest hair. That’s what women are into these days. As for the Range Rover…it’s not environmentally friendly, bitches love environmentally friendly.

I tried to convince myself that Zoba did not seem like a materialistic person. I mean she’s from a rich home and would likely go with the man with a bright future – ME.

Bright future. Chest hairier future. Same difference.

But then, there are no very few women out there who are willing to pitch their tent with a “starter”. You may not admit it but the days of “We can start life in your BQ apartment” are far-gone and are now replaced with “It’s better to cry in a RANGE ROVER than on a bike”. I know some of you may be thinking that I’m preaching modest beginnings because of Iti’s RR, you are wrong… but not totally wrong.

Whether na one naira…

…I was in no mood to discuss anything long with Iti. I know his type and what they can do. He may want to start treating me like Zoba’s younger brother and that may include suggestions such as paying for my drinks and so on.

Paying for drinks. Taking you to Ice Cream Factory. Buying you recharge card. Yeah, it could get super weird.

So Chidi was not only tall and richer, going by the phone call, he had also been approved by Zoba’s mum.

Approved by the mother? Yeah, you are shit out of luck, Noble. No amount of chest hair can trump that one.

Immediately we got to her room. He put the bags inside the wardrobe, opened the bathrooms to check what he did not put there. Trust me, I was not beefing but dude was over doing the boyfriend stuff.

And as if that was not enough, he then asked what we would like to have for lunch?
Zoba: Buzor, what do you suggest?
Nobs: It depends. I don’t know how much African food that you’ve had but if you need something Nigerian, I’ll suggest Jevenik.
Chidi: I don’t think she will like Jevenik. It’s usually for people who eat a lot and I think they cook with White maggi. You have to be careful with the food you eat here in Lagos because of food poisoning. I will suggest we order the plantain and snail here. It’s really good and filling.

Damn. Did he just shit on Noble’s suggestion? Chidi is harsh, yo.

Zoba: Buzor, is that any good?
Nobs: That’s good too.
Zoba: Chidi, I’m suspecting you ooo. You have not even stayed that long in Nigeria since you moved back and you already know all the restaurants and the type of seasoning they use.
Chidi: Biko, afom dim nkpa but none of them can even compare to your cooking. 

WASHEEEEN!!!!!!

 Zoba: Nobs, your mum said you play in entertainment, what area?
Chidi: Ah I don’t know any of your songs.
Nobs: It’s because they only play my songs at Jevenik restaurant.

Hahahahahahah. ZING!

By that time, I’d had it and was about to go all rude on him when she walked in.

Ooooooh. I wonder who “she” is.

Biola walked into the restaurant with Amala following her behind as if I was not having a bad day already. 

Amala again? What does Noble look like again?

Ok, I just needed to jog my memory a bit. 

Chidi: Oh boy, nna. You just dey enjoy this town alone with your madam.
Amala: It’s not like that
Biola: Hey Nobs
Chidi: Oh you know each other.

Well…this could get interesting.

Iti, Amala and Biola on the same table? I don’t go to church every Sunday but I prayed and asked God to deliver me.

…and this week’s prayer point is….

Memoirs of a Nobskid VIII

Ok, I need a personal assistant now. Someone to remind me when Noble puts his memoirs up since I always forget to check. I promise if you remind me, I’ll give you my personal twitter. I always put up nekkid pictures of myself too, I swear I’m entertaining.

Speaking of twitter, people always make fun of Noble on twitter. This makes me a very sad panda. Recently, it was Noble’s choice of baffs. I wouldn’t wear anything he wears, but that doesn’t make it bad. It just means Baby Gap had a fantastic sale and Noble was in the area.I think Noble is a very fashionable man. Dude is so damn sprezzy, he’s like the Nigerian Steezus Christ.

But that’s not why why we are here. Where were we?

Oh, that Biola girl decided she wanted some Noble peen.

#PAUSE

Sunday May 15, 2011.
I have been in all sorts of situation but I can’t remember anything close to this. For some of you reading this that have been caught with other people’s husband or wife, I know you can relate to this. 

Way to exclude me, Noble.

For me, it was a different experience all together. Come to think of it, let’s say you are cheating on your wife with her best friend and one day she walks in on you two, what will your first reaction be? Something like ‘”Please it was the devil” and then as usual, the lady will use her hands to cover her boobs while saying “Titi, is not what you think”. Like really? It’s not what I think? What makes you think you know what she’s thinking or that she could even think in such a state?

Beats me too. If I got caught cheating, I’d just tell her that I got hacked. Blaming the devil is so last year anyway.

Nobs: Hold on.
(I excused my self and went into my bathroom)
Biola: On your street. Come down
Nobs: I’m not home at the moment.
(Bee, I know you will be mad while reading this but I did it to save my face. I was scared that you might start a fight or walk out on me so I had to lie. If you read this, I hope you understand)
Biola: Where are you? I’m in front of your house.
Nobs: You didn’t say you were coming, boo
Biola: Ok. Let me know when you are back.

This won’t end well.

I flushed the toilet to form activity but as soon as I was done with that, my phone rang again.
Nobs: Boo
Biola: don’t boo me anything, you liar.
Nobs: What did I do now?
Biola: Just as I was about to turn your gateman informed me that you are in?
Nobs: He must high on Cossy Orjiako breast milk. I left about 30mins ago.
Biola: Nobs, tell me the truth, are you upstairs fucking that girl I saw you with at ICF?
Nobs: No (I didn’t lie because at that point I was in the toilet and not on top of her)
Biola: You know what? I will wait for you downstairs until you get back.

Called it!

So I did a wise thing, I walked back into the room and ofcos Shirls was fully dressed. She was looking at me without saying anything.
Nobs: Hey, I have messed up a lot and I just need to be straight forward with you. The lady I saw at ICF is someone I’ve been seeing but we had a bit of an issue and she was calling so that we can sort it out. I’m so sorry I put you through this and if you want to go, I totally understand.
Shirls: Nobs, being truthful is all that matters. Sort yourself out and I’ll be waiting.
That moment, Shirls won my heart and I regretted the moments that I had lied to her. I walked to the living room to handle my issue.

Aww. Shirls isn’t such a whore.

When I got back to the room, we were no longer in the mood for sex and we ended up going to the galleria for a movie.
To be frank, it was a totally new experience and I began to appreciate Shirls for the pretty lady that she is.

Me too, Noble. Me too.

You know after what I went through and the blue balls that followed, I considered picking up a sister for chatting purposes ONLY but what my headlamp caught was different. 

Chatting what? Noble, we don’t believe you, you need more people.

She was wearing the shortest skirt showing a huge part of her panties and her boobs were supporting her neck. There was no way she could see her feet as her boobs would have blocked her view.
I thought about stopping but decided that phone sex would pay me more. So I did just that.



This makes no sense. First, Noble just wanted to just have a conversation with the prostitute, maybe with  a little chest hair titillation. Said prostitute had huge tiddays but Noble decided to leave to have phone sex. Sure.

Thursday May, 19,2011.
There are certain things you lose with posting late…

Sure, bruv. Sure.

…and it’s totally my fault but there are also certain things that you can never forget. 

Our first long conversation.
I was in a meeting when the call came in
Nobs: Hello
Her: It’s Zoba
Nobs: Same Zoba?
Zoba: How many do you know?
Nobs: I know one that was so cute and didn’t like my big head years back even though I used to dream about her boobs.

Hahahah. Noble even makes fun of his head too.

This picture is so appropriate right now.

Zoba: You used to dream about my boobs?
Nobs: Not really.
Zoba: It’s been a while. Got your number off your mum. I ‘m coming to Lagos tomorrow. I hope you will have time to for me. Where do you stay?

Damn son. Hoes these days should tuck their thirst in a little. Can’t be having all over the place.

Nobs: Lekki
Zoba: Married?
Nobs: Yes, to Jesus.

Noble so funny. Noble crack funny jokes.

Zoba: You’ve not changed.
Nobs: Have you? Are they the same size?
Zoba: Bigger
Nobs: Where will you be staying in Lagos?
Zoba: 4Points or The Blu. I hear they are the new ones in Naija.
Nobs: Cool
Zoba: Keep your Friday open for me.
Nobs: Bring it on

…and the P has been set.

There are few things in life more interesting than big boobs, I can’t even remember any.

I concur.

Memoirs of a Nobskid VII

The Nigerian blog awards are coming up and we wouldn’t mind if we won something. Who doesn’t want to come first in this blogging thing, eh?

Back to the business of the day. Noble has updated his memoirs. Rejoice!

Sunday May 15,2011.

On sighting Biola, I wanted to totally ignore her and move on, but on the other hand I didn’t want her to go home feeling like she could go on treating me like shit.

Wait, were there memoirs last week? I’m seriously getting lazy with this thing.

Without trying to hate, I think the guy looks like a badly prepared Amala wearing baggy jeans and spotting a beard unevenly distributed on his chin.

Noble is insulting someone’s looks?
*cough*

*cough*

So I excused myself and walked up to them

Nobs: Hey Biola

Biola: Hey

Nobs: (Extending my hands to her man) Hey my name is Chibuzor. (Trust me, I decided to introduce myself as Chibuzor just in case he was the same person that picked the call the night before)

Chibuzor tho? Not even a cool name like “Oliver”. I mean, Noble looks like Oliver DeCoque anyway.

There I was thinking, “Biola thinks a minute with me is now a biggie?”

Noble, I know how you feel. Dead babes you used to block no longer have time for you. It hurts. Sometimes, I regret giving them my scantron too. Hoes!

On some occasions, I have ‘fashied’ Shirls just to spend some time with Biola and now because of her Amala in baggy jeans, she wouldn’t give me the time of day.

*cough*

*cough*

At that point, I hated the month MAY and even romanced the idea that Ada may be behind it considering the fact that I didn’t really treat her well in her mind. So there I was thinking maybe Ada had her bath naked and prayed for me not to have luck with any of my Lagos girls.

Ada be having Okija connect, yo!

Nobs: I called you last night.

Biola: I saw your missed call this morning and I didn’t have credit to call back.

Nobs: You can represent Nigeria.

Biola: How?

Nobs: for lying at the Olympics.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah.
Ok, that was funny. I wont even front.

I really wanted to be mad at her but her boobs kept distracting me. She had a transparent top on and I could see the whole nine yards of her baby’s food.

Boobs are so distracting, cleavage especially. Sophomore year, I had to work with this girl for a class. I remember having to write all the MATLAB codes without her help. Before class, I’d prep myself to tell her off. I’d get to class and she’d show cleavage and I’d completely forget why i was mad. Women are demons. Ekwensu!

I digress.

Nobs: I heard you last night asking some man to tell me that you were asleep.

Biola: Nobs, cut the bullshit. I don’t f*cking owe you anything! 

Ye! Mogbe! //O\\ (that’s me with my hands on my head if you haven’t caught on)

Biola: Ask yourself, what is Biola to me? Am I just another character to grace the pages of your memoirs while you go about singing praises about how much love you have for your Slim?

SHET! The hour of reckoning has arrived.

Nobs: I thought we were trying to get a bit serious?

Biola: Serious? Do you get serious? I have been with you. I have even tried to play iyawo just to make you happy but what do I get in return – horrible lines in your online diary.

Biola, you gats get in line. Ada bin dey chill since. On a serious note, I can see why Biola is mad. After everything she did, Noble didn’t bring his M&B A-game when he was writing about her. Biola wanted his tongue to trace her outline too,

Lord have mercy! It then dawned on me, Biola was really over me and didn’t give a shit about my feelings anymore but then instead of feeling bad, I was getting more attracted to her.

Don’t do it, Noble! That’s her plan. All na scamz!

That got me thinking of that time that she cooked for me.

The food? Not the sex or how she played with your chest hair during the sex?

Nobs: We are keeping David waiting, can you come later tonight?

Biola: So you can have something to post tomorrow!

hahahahahahahahah. Biola, why u so mad?

Biola: Nobs, what do you really want?

Nobs: A future with you

That did it. She kept quiet for a while and then

Biola: I will call you later.

Well, that was easy. Noble didn’t have to use omo to wash her. She should have fronted small. I was enjoying it.

Biola: I will call you. Where did you pick the thing with you?

Nobs: In the same shop you bought your Amala.

Again.
*cough*

*cough*

We placed our order and while we were waiting I overheard the conversation going on at a table close by.

2 ladies were discussing the issue of a vibrator.

Lady 1: “I think I have a problem, I can never come with a d**k inside of me. It just has to be a vibrator and I think my new boyfriend feels cheated”

Lady 2: Really ? Why? He does not last long?

Lady 1: No, he does, I think it’s just my body

Nobs: O_O

On a serious note tho, are there people out there who find it difficult to come with a d**k inside of them?

This is not a problem for Noble. He always leaves his women satisfied. Never forget that.

Back in the room, I begged Shirls to play my best bedroom game.

Ghen! Ghen!

Shirls undressed and was just wearing her black bra and panties with her heels.

Noble, I’m getting you

She stood in front of me backing me and then bent over. The sight made my heart miss several beats.

Believe me, you may be eating one type of dish everyday but if presented in a different way, the dish will appear totally different and new.

Odi egwu!

She went down on all fours and spoke for the first time.

Shirls: Go ahead, eat me with 3 drops of ice cream.

This Shirls is just a harlot. Eat me with ice cream? You no dey fear infection, Shirls?

I moved on with my teeth to remove the panties, being careful not to tear it but at the same time eager to take if off.

Turned her over and lifting her legs high and parting them, I went all in for the panties, took it off and dropped it on the floor.

M&B flow. You see why Biola was mad? She didn’t get this treatment.

I grabbed my phone, took a pic….

Boss!

and just as I was about to drop the phone back, it rang…

Nobs: Hello

Biola: I hope you are home, I’m almost at yours.

I went blank and so did my erection…

Hahahahahahahaha. Biola na bastard!

Memoirs of a Nobskid VII

I wasn’t going to put this up initially. The whole “lets make fun of Nobs” thing is getting tired, especially the “hob nobs” jokes on twitter. The “hob nobs” jokes were funny at first, then #NigerianPeopleTwitter over did it. It went from playful jokes to personal attacks on Noble. This might sound a bit rich coming from me, but there’s a very thin line between funny and malicious. Most of you whorebags were being downright malicious.

Yes, someone peed in my cereal this morning.

The last time we were with Oliver De Coque looking Lothario, he was experiencing some premature problems.

Jenny’s phone rang. She picked it and that was when Kim suggested that we should take it to the balcony. She got a condom,slipped it on me and just as she was to guide it in,the unexpected happened ……

I guessed Noble got a little too excited.

The condom tore..

I was wrong.

Nobs: boo, I don’t know who your boyfie may be dicking without protection, before mmadu ebute something.
Kim: Olodo, why are you speaking language for me. You should have come with condoms.

Noble, this is the second time we’re telling you. Wozzrong with you? Pack condom!

Nobs: maybe you should go down to the reception and get some but I can’t promise you this hard on will be waiting sha.
Kim: Nobs, I even think my mouth can wake up the dead. Leave that part for me.

Wake up the dead?

Jenny: Wow. So are we still on tomorrow?
Nobs: I‘ve got loads of things to do but I can make out time for you.
Jenny; Me? Alone?
I was about to say yes but I didn’t want to make it obvious that I was interested in her. 

Bad goiz moves.
I tried this “not interested” thing on some girl one day. Didn’t work obviously, I’m not Noble. In my mind, I was running mad game. In reality, she just needed a scantron for her test. #TheStruggle.

Then there was a knock on the door. Jenny got the door, Kim walks in followed by Chioma.
Kim: Nobs, meet my friend, Chioma
Chioma: We know each other
Kim: It’s a small world
Nobs: It is. Hey Chioma, how’s J girl?
Chioma: She’s fine ooo. We should all hook up soon.

Wait. Kim, Jenny, and Chioma. Only one Noble. Foursome? How do those even work? I understand the logistics of a threesome but a foursome? Does the extra person wait for set? Does she tap in a la WWF style? Does she update Noble’s twitter as he does his work? Maybe she records the conversation for the blog. Yeah, that makes the most sense.

Nobs : Kim,can I see you for a min
Kim : Sure hun
We walked back to the balcony
Nobs : I feel used.

You know that part in those American action feems that you start feeling sorry for the boze? Yeah, this is it.

Nobs: I feel like a homeless dog in a close feeding off from all the kitchens in my neighbourhood and that’s not a good feeling.

Wait.

Kim : Are we still seeing tomorrow like you promised Jenny
Nobs : I didn’t promise anything but I won’t mind hanging out with Jenny
Kim : Alone?
Nobs : Yup

This is the part we remember the boze is actually a bad guy and we stop feeling sorry.

Kim : That won’t happen . You left me hanging and now you are talking about hanging out with Jen alone.

ELA OJU KAN!!!

Nobs: You know what? Have a good night.

Teek vex!

I walked out and straight to the elevator. For the first time in a long time, I felt used. 

Awww. Real tears. Real unicorn tears.

I got into my car and decided that someone have to pay for the blue balls. I picked up my phone and called someone that I’ve not called in a while

$5, he calls Ada. Any takers?

Male voice : Hello
Nobs : Good Evening, please I’ll like to speak with Biola

Oh. My bad.

Male voice : hold on, please what’s the name?
Nobs : Noble
I overheard him saying “ baby, there’s a certain Noble on the phone for you” and guess her response “Baby,tell him that I am sleeping”

Wow. This thing that they’re doing to Noble? Eeeez not fair o!

I didn’t wait for his response, I hung up. When it rains, it pours. Maybe I need to change my ways

NOOOO!!!!!!
Don’t change, Noble! If you change, how will you entertain us? Nobody wants to read about your monogamous life with Ada. Ain’t nobody checking for that shit. Anyone seen Alfie? Is Noble beginning to question his “shallow self-indulgent lifestyle”?

WEEK 48

Memoirs of a Nobskid VI

Two straight Nobs related posts.

Well damn.

Nobs is like my muse now.  Nobs, if you ever want a biography done, can I do it?

Best book cover. Ever. 
Sidenote: I wonder if women play with Noble’s chest hair mid coitus. 
Wait…you think that’s creepy? Don’t act like you weren’t thinking it either. Stop lying. Anyway, back to our story.

I was totally confused and didn’t know what to do but then, did you expect me to pack condoms to a family function?

Err…yes. You’re Noble Igwe. Cassanova extraordinaire.   Plenty women want to make sex with you

I looked over at Queen, she had pulled up her dress and all I could see behind her full ‘tomato-Jos‘ body was a pink thong 

“Tomato-jos”? Que? Somebody care to explain?

Queen: We don’t have time
Nobs: Erm I couldn’t find any condoms
Queen: And we’ve been apart for too long to trust each other.
Nobs: I’ve been good
Queen: common shut up you little big-headed slut. I read your diary on your site.

Oh. She went there.

Yeah, she went there.

Queen : No one is getting a free pass on this. I’m so turned on too.
Nobs : So now, you are going P square on me?
Queen: How ?
Nobs: Do me, I do you.

No, Noble. This is poor, even from you. “Do me, I do you”? No bueno.

Queen: Hey Nobs
Nobs: Hey Queen. What’s up?
Queen: Nobs, I got talking with Amara and I also did some serious thinking. I suggest that we forget about hooking up tonight. I really think we got carried away earlier today. If we are ever going to come back together, I want something serious. We made a lot of mistakes but we can correct them as adults.
Nobs: I’m so sorry if you think I tried taking advantage of you earlier today. I guess I still have feelings for you. I do want a relationship too but I want it to be right and not close to what we had in the past.

This Amara dude is a standard bastard. Or maybe it wasn’t Amara. The other day, my buddy told that if you masturbated before you saw an ex, you think clearly. Maybe Queen masturbated. Maybe Amara is the name of her rabbit. Maybe.

Saturday May 14,2011.
5.00pm
I woke tired and craving popcorn from the Galleria, so I decided to go get some. On my way back I got a call from Kim
Kim : Two  of my girlfriends are in town and we are having fun with  the boys.
Nobs: Nice

 I see where this is going.

Kim : This is my friend, Joy and she wants to meet you.

Aha! I was right.

This is Joy, 

 I wish people introduced themselves to me with tidday pictures. But why no face tho? These heaux! Don’t fall for it, Nobs. All na scamz.

Kim : How would like being in the company of 3 naked girls?

This Kim babe obviously runs a brothel. Not like I’m judging or anything. My name is not Judy.

I was excited and scared at the same time. I’ve never been with 3 chics but I wasn’t sure if they would have a camera planted. 

Noble sextape? No, ma’am. I don’t think I want to watch Oliver De Coque Lite have sex with women. Wait. What am I saying? My shameless ass would probably watch it.

Kim : come let me show you how much of you that I have missed.
Kim grabbed me and started kissing me, then one after the other she took off every piece of clothing on me. I didn’t try to stop her but I was also looking behind to make sure that Jenny wasn’t pointing her phone at us. Kim went on her knees and put me in her mouth. 

 Mills & Boon swag. Tales by Moonlight flow.

(*Note: I’m mad Noble doesn’t refer to his penis as his “member”).

It was bliss and when I thought I had seen it all, Kim said

Kim : Jenny, come and assist me with the balls.

Jenny : Kim,you know that I have not asked you for anything?
Kim : What do you want?
Jenny : Will you let him take me?
Kim : Not tonight
Jenny; Not just tonight? why?
Kim : maybe tomorrow
Jenny : Are we all hooking up tomorrow?
Kim ; Nobs?
Nobs : We can decide all that later.

Do women beg to be “taken” by you? No? Reason #12348938 why Noble > you.

Jenny’s phone rang. She picked it and that was when Kim suggested that we should take it to the balcony. She got a condom,slipped it on me and just as she was to guide it in,the unexpected happened ……

 #ThePreEjaculationStruggle.