Keep Your Fruitcake

So I opened the fridge this morning and noticed some cake looking box at the bottom. I opened it obvs, because cake…

It was fruitcake from some hamper over christmas. Untouched. From christmas. It’s February.

Why do people insist on gifting fruitcake anyway? Why do NIGERIANS insist fruitcake is a thing that should happen? I can deal with cornbread because it just pretends to be shitty cake so my expectations weren’t high to begin with. Fruitcake, on the other hand, pretends to be really bad chocolate cake, which is infinitely better than regular shitty cake because CHOCOLATE!

I have a theory though. I don’t think anyone actually touches the fruitcake. I don’t even think fruitcake is still production. People just leave the fruitcake in the fridge until christmas and stuff it in a hamper for someone else. So the 10 fruitcakes in circulation are probably the only 10 in existence. Maybe one gets consumed each year. Your evil aunt, with her smelly kids, visits and suddenly your fruitcake has an exit strategy. Or your parents spent too much on unimportant shit for your wedding, like Julius Agwu, and there’s no budget for food. I haven’t done the math, but at this rate fruitcake should be extinct in a couple of years. Amen.

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