Christmas Wishes…

Christmas is here again people. I would’ve loved to wish y’all a merry Christmas & happy new year but I don’t really roll like that. This year has been rather traumatic for me, mainly because I joined twitter and became aware of all the fuckery that goes on there.  As this is the season of giving, it’s somewhat customary to write down what you want for Christmas so that those buying you gifts know will what will be appreciated & what will be tossed to the trash. This year, I put together a list of things I want desperately from Nigeria and Nigerians on the internet. See what you think 

  • Vic O/Speed Darlington:

For real, this joke has to stop. I don’t know when y’all decided this would be a great gag but we can all agree that it has been a resounding success. These niggas actually think their sewage quality music has merit and that they have ‘talent’. You people that obviously do laundry for the heavenly host, have washed these niggas so much they’re earning money off imaginary talents. This is almost like some sort of inception. Let us end this now before this thing gets out of hand and Majela gets signed to Mo’ Hits with a Kanye feature in the works.

  • Linda Ikeji’s Blog Comments:

We need to appeal to Aunty Linda to moderate the comments on her blog. Every time I think that Nigeria has made significant progress, LIB comments slap me to my senses. I believe part of the blame lies with Aunty Linda because some of the things she puts on her blog (e.g. Aunty Amara’s post ) is just downright trolling. However, the creatures that find their way into her comment section probably need no help at all.  I am currently drafting an online petition for y’all to sign and support but it might not be ready in time. Anybody that wishes to help in this noble endeavor should contact me on twitter (@_BlackTeach_).

  • BIS Prices

There was a time (albeit a very brief one) that owning a blackberry was sort of cool and was only available to certain groups of people. Unfortunately, this did not last. Suddenly everybody wanted a blackberry and could afford one. As a result of this, the fuckery on the internets increased and became worrisome. Now, I’ve always imagined that MTN was out for the destruction of Nigeria but if what I’m hearing about Glo BIS prices is true then certainly Glo is working closely with the enemies of this country. I keep saying that some people should not have access to the internet and twitter is my prime exhibit. We saw what happened when the bus conductors and orange sellers found Facebook; the same shit is happening to twitter. Barely literate daredevils that tweet without enabling autocorrect or spellcheck, liter our timelines and camp in our mentions. Let us get Glo to stop this fuckery because when your mechanic starts asking  you for your pin, it’d be too late.

  • The Nigerian Government

How these clowns got into power amazes me greatly. From the anti-gay marriage bill to the 2012 budget, these people keep finding new ways to fuck around in office. I suggest we help them find constructive avenues to mess around without putting the country at risk. I suggest participation in reality shows like Senate Idols, Nigeria’s Next Top Governor, Shit My Elected Representative Says etc. A wrestling federation for the legislators wouldn’t also be a bad idea considering their violent track record. I should think Ben Bruce would be able to arrange the production of these shows for the good of the country.

This by no means an exhaustive list. These are the few things I could think of off the top of my head. Please feel free to use the comments section to tell us your Christmas wishes

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One thought on “Christmas Wishes…

  1. While your post is hilarious, Teach, I don't think the internet should be restricted to only people who are 'cool'. That's like the white people saying black people should not progress. If you can afford a BB legitimately, go for it. If you don't want random people following you on twitter, you can always block your account.

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