Jewel for Jim

United lost and I’m having a shitty ass f*cking day so I figure I should cheer myself up. I’ve been planning on doing a post about Jewel for Jim for the longest time and this just feels like the perfect time.

Today, we are going to take a look at Koko Mansion’s homeless friend’s cousin, Jewel for Jim. If you don’t know what Koko Mansion is, you are in good hands. Koko Mansion is like a poor man’s Flavor of Love.

He is the most popular and versatile Nollywood celebrity, the romantic fantacy of every single woman who saw his movies

Versatile? I wouldn’t say versatile since James Ikechwukwu can only act as the person that just came back from America. Dude is like the Tyler Perry of Nigerian actors, always doing the same shit. I’ll admit, I saw one movie were he was actually a good guy and it felt so unnatural. It was like James was supposed to act like something beyond him. I even missed that his annoying faux ghetto American accent. Anyway, let’s not get carried away here. We are supposed to be finding a “Jewel” for James. We should define “Jewel”, right?

Jewel – a “rare gem”, a cultural and social ambassador, a lady of substance, a role model who personifies a perfect blend of the traditional and modern mind, a great talent, a Princess fit to be soul mate to Africa’s most eligible bachelor Mr. Jim Iyke.

A lady of substance. I’m guessing hoo-ers need not apply. I could have them. The Lord knows I could do with a couple of hoo-ers right now. However, this is not about me, it is about our lovely James. James’ Jewel must reside in America and there’s a good reason for this. One of the commenters on Linda Ikeji’s blog breaks it down for us.

Very valid reason, don’t you think? I think it is deeper than that though. James is not a superficial man. He is probably preparing for a big Nollywood role and needs to practice the accent. Maybe she’ll persuade him to switch up his ghetto fashion too.

I mean, it’s not 2000 anymore. Even Nelly has stopped wearing jerseys.

Not every woman in America can be James’ jewel though. There are so specific requirements that he wants met.

Must be Single

Minimum age is 21

Must agree to “JewelForJim” terms and conditions

Must posses a special skill

Obviously, you must be single because James is not a homewrecker. James would also like a woman he can enjoy a night out with so she must be 21. James doesn’t want to be hanging out in those ghetto 18 & up clubs. Although, 18 & up clubs usually have the type of people James would want to practice his accent with. Pink Monkey in Houston comes to mind. James could totally master the role of the “fresh from abroad” role there. More importantly though, you need to have a “special skill” to be James’ jewel. I wonder what “special skill” means. Is that Iyke-speak for “bitch better be able to cook”? I wonder if stripper skills count.

Personally, I think AfroCandy should definitely apply. Her star seems to have faded. She promised us a new video a while ago and she hasn’t delivered. Times must be hard, she should have hired me as her manager when I offered. She fits James’ criteria too. She’s over 21, probably like 55 or something. I know she is single. Don’t ask me how I know. Ok, I confess, I read the bio on her website. After watching that “Ikebe Na Moni” video, I can absolutely confirm that AfroCandy was a stripper at some point in her life.

In conclusion, here are Linda Ikeji comments

and a bonus


Have a great weekend.

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2 thoughts on “Jewel for Jim

  1. lol whateva
    i just want to see his video for his song………..who am i? or is it who i am.
    he is like the male afrocandy of music without the amusing sexual provocativeness but with all the non existent musical talent, i guess you are right! they could bond over whose video sucks more…….uhm that said, id watch 🙂

  2. LMAO this post is too funny!
    'jewel for jim!!' Naija never stops being amusing. lol.
    as for afrocandy, that woman is just special is all. though i agree with FSR (too long to retype) above that they could bond over their respective lack of talents in their chosen hobbies….
    who knows when this show comes out pls???? this just made my day….lol.
    Mi

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