I Have a Guy…

“Omg, my face just broke”

“Don’t worry, I have a guy”

guy  is essentially someone that does something for you. Artisan or skilled worker or just about anyone that serves a purpose in your life. In Lagos, you’re only as strong as your network of guys. If you have no guys, you find yourself crying on the side of the road every five minutes because Lagos will do that to you.

Let me tell you a little story: I got my first guy during my NYSC year. Needed a stress free local government so I got introduced to a guy that pretty much signed my clearance letters every month for a fee. Just like that, he became my NYSC guy.

Another time, my phone screen cracked and a friend gave me her guy’s number. He sorted me out, but the screen broke again. Called him and dude was in my office in no time. That’s how I got my phone screen guy.

I have a mechanic guy that services my truck. A panel beater guy because Keke Marwa are the most ruthless thing on Lagos roads. Your network of guys are like your own concierge company. What I really need now is a Petrol Guy that’ll get me petrol when there’s a scarcity like today. I get that and I know I’ve proper made it.

Of Nigeria and Things Nigerian

Sometimes I forget this blog still exists. I’ve spent the last 2 weeks trying to build a new blog for my little Lagos rants like I don’t  have this one.


Anyway, that’s not why we’re here today. I have a proper rant today.

So since I started my little food blog, I’ve run into this weird group of Nigerians dropping the strangest comments on the food blog’s instagram. Little things like,

This is for the elites

Is this what they’re eating in Lagos now?

Because it’s not “on brand”, my partner never lets me reply. She just deletes the comments. Well, my body is scratching me today and I want to respond. Look, you have to respond sometimes. Lagos has taught me that. You have to call people stupid sometimes. It’s not rude, you’re actually helping them. If not, they’ll walk around saying stupid shit. Did you read twitter during the elections? That’s what happens when people don’t get called stupid in real life.

Anyway, back to my rant. These comments come from same type of Nigerian in the diaspora. Always in the diaspora, never in Nigeria weirdly enough. They lived in Nigeria for the majority, but Moved for college or won the visa lottery or something like that. They seem to have this romantic idea of what Nigeria is like. A Nigeria that, in all honesty, has never existed. I’d understand if their fantasized idea of Nigeria wasn’t so negative. Maybe when you hear “your English is pretty good for an African” for so long, you start to believe you actually did live in a hut.

You morons have no issue with going to Buka in New York or United Sisters in Houston for fufu, but you honestly can’t wrap your head around the fact their are coffee shops in Lagos. It’s these same people that always have the snide little comments when Bella Naija puts up pictures of Halloween parties.

When did Nigerians start celebrating Halloween? Wonders shall never end!

These people just want to romanticize Nigeria and whatever weird authenticity they attach to Nigerian things. I honestly do not understand why it makes these types foam at the mouth so much. If anyone knows, please feel free to share. I want to understand.

Actually, I don’t. I’ll still think you’re idiots.